Adventuring tips

Gamespy has some adventuring tips for the not-so-bright. Be sure to check out the flow chart on page 2.

Magic Bed

Johan, one of Luther's cleric pals, was telling me that back home he has a magic bed. He's only gotta sleep 1 hour a night and it feels like he slept the whole night, and if he sleeps all night it heals him. Isn't that cool? The answer is YES! I like my big comfy double here on The Royal Flush, but a magic bed would be so sweet. I could spend those extra hours studying spells or something. I'm putting a magic bed on my list of stuff to get for sure.

I'll try to keep this short

It all started nearly a week ago when I nabbed the Arch-Count's right hand man, Wexler. Using a human sized black sack, some rope, and a club I was able to get the information I needed out of Wexler.

Arch-Count Hans had zapped Luther's pals off to some kind of Limbo plane with a magical rod. He wanted the sapphire, which is some kind of Left Eye of Fharlanghn. Hans and his boys searched The Far Seer after it crashed, but couldn't find the gem, so they zapped themselves to Limbo to search the clerics, but they didn't have it either.

Anyhow, Wexler told me where to find the Limbo zapping rod and the next day I walked right in the front door of Hans' estate and borrowed the wand. Yeah it was that easy! Invisibility comes in really handy sometimes.

This Limbo place was incredibly boring. It felt like I was there a month looking for the clerics, but I guess it was only a few days. When I brought them back only 4 days had passed back on Bral. Oh, and sometime while I was in Limbo the invisibility wore off, so everyone can see FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL now. TA DA!

I let Wexler go and I even left the Limbo rod with the authorities so Hans could pick it up. Aren't I a nice guy? The Clerics, Luther, Veronica, and I got a ride back to The Royal Flush and now we're on our way to Riaa. I'll bet the mages still haven't figured out what the gem does, which is fine with me. The clerics spent at least 3 hours this morning talking my ear off about its powers and I didn't understand half of it.

Heard but not seen

Being invisible is neat and all, but it's cramping my style too. Everywhere I go I have to stifle my urge to announce that FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL has arrived. I can't tell anyone about my adventures, accomplishments, and deeds or my cover would be blown. Luckily I can still carouse at the pub and dance with Veronica. It looks strange, like she's dancing with some pretend guy, but during the night I made it very clear to the ale soaked patrons that I was there and very real.

A bard by the name of Wells told me a cautionary tale about a mage who turned himself invisible and couldn't undo it. He soon turned to a life of theft, went insane, and ended up murdering some people. Wells looked very pointedly at where he figured I was (but he was really looking just to the side of me) at the end of the story. It was a good enough story, but if he only knew I was FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL he would realize that I'm of much stronger moral convictions than insane mages who can't undo their own spells. Nothing to worry about.

I had no trouble selling the lumber for a handsome profit. I could tell that the merchant I sold it to recognized my voice, so I asked him to keep my presence here hush-hush. I'm pretty sure I can trust him. He's a good guy.

I found out a bunch of stuff about Arch-Count Hans too. Get this... The guy rides around on Bral on a horse everywhere he goes! Why's that strange? Bral isn't exactly the biggest place. You can walk everywhere. Not Hans, no he's a rider. Anyhow, I got a real good description of him and I found out that he's staying at one of the Prince's guest estates. He's got decent security at the estate and when he travels. Word on the street is that the Arch-Count is big into dimensional/planar travel - gates, portals, demons... that sort of thing. Additionally it might be a little tricky politically if the prince finds out I'm harassing one of his royal guests. Oh well, risk is part of the thrill, right?

Setting foot on The Rock - almost

We got to The Rock of Bral today. We couldn't very well just swing into the spaceport and dock. Word of The Royal Flush's arrival would spread like wildfire (just a tip - don't use that phrase on Bral. They really hate fires) and the Arch-Count Hans Ferdinand would know that FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL was on the scene. I'd never track the guy down then, which was the whole point of this trip. No no, much as I hate to admit it, some element of Stealth would be required.

So I chose to land at a small asteroid near Bral instead. A gun dealer named Kenarska has an outpost there. (the laws against firearms on Bral are rather oppressive) Kenarska owed me a favor so he agreed to shuttle us and our cargo down to Bral. Veronica hates guns, which I think is a little strange for an archer, and doesn't much care for Kenarska either. Luther doesn't seem to care one way or another.

Oh, did I mention I'm still invisible? That unnerved Kenarska at first, but I think it'll came in handy when dealing with Arch-Count Hans. I've been practicing my spooky ghost sounding voice and making creepy spectral creeks and moans with the Gloves of Chimes and Miracles. I'm not sure if it's scary, but it's a lot of fun.

What would you do if you were invisible?

alt.relic.unknown results

The netizens have spoken. Here are some of their suggestions of what the gem we found might be. Mind you that these were certainly not merely taken from pages 155-164 of the first edition Dungeon Masters Guide.

The Crystal of Inestimable Beauty - Said to be the finest star sapphire to ever be mined from the ice mountains of Cannes-Deigh. No one has yet been able to estimate it's beauty, but its powers have been guessed at. They could include ESP 40', Levitatation 3 times per day, and the ability to summon ice elementals and ice weasels. The user of this crystal might grow 1/16 of an inch taller each time they use its powers. Then again... who knows.

The Mad Bling of Al'Akbar - Pried from the Pimp Cup of Al'Akbar this gemizzle brings madness to all who be havin' it. It perpetrates Polymorph self and others once a day. However, all effected must assume the same forms. It can resurrect oldschool homies who have been dead over 10 years. The Mad Bling can cause Planar Shift 3 times a week. It also allows the user to call forth a meteor swarm one per day. Face it, this object is the shiznit!

Gem of the Great Serpent - This gem allows you to control one adult dragon (children under 175 years must be accompanied by an adult). The weilder of this gem can also cure disease at a touch and transmute rock to mud. However this gem ages all elves and gnomes within 50' by 20 years. Sucks to be them.

Jewel of Gygax - Removed from The Ring of Gygax by a jeweler of totally alien origin, each facet of this gem has a different effect, only a few of which are known. These power include color spray, stone to flesh, phantasmal killer, 9 die lightning bolt, and web. The down side? There is a 10% chance the users hair will turn white or go blind for 2d6 weeks.

The Sapphire of the Infinite Planes - It the distant past the High Wizard Priest of Wor (now sunken beneath the waters At Eiry) discovered this sapphire and used its powers to dominate an infinite number of mazes and arenas. This blue pixel allows the user to summon Burwors, Garwors, Thorwors and the mighty Worluk. The Sapphire also creates up to 6 gallons of water per day and can charm animals 30'.

The Left Nut of Vecna - Seldom is the name of the arch-lich Vecna spoken except in hushed tones, but rumors say he would have given his left nut for everlasting immorality. Even though the gods were pretty sure it was a typo they granted him his wish. Now the family jewel brings only woe to the accused holders of the nut. All saves are at -2. Holy water with 15' becomes polluted. User loses 4 point of wisdom permanently and becomes a mindless zombie guardian of this cruel artifact.

Look at me - I'm invisible!

Veronica is creeped out by The Wand of Wonder, which I had the mages charge up before we left Riaa. All I have to do is point it in her direction and she'll run off to the other side of The Royal Flush. Now I would never try to claim that The Wand of Wonder is safe or harmless, but I do firmly believe that you should do something completely unpredictable once in a while just to see what happens, so in order to demonstrate this principle to her I turned the wand on myself.

*POOF*

I completely disappeared. No one can see FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL at all now, not even me! when I pick stuff up it disappears too. This is kind of fun. I wonder how long it'll last. One note: This hasn't calmed Veronica's nerves on the subject of The Wand of Wonder at all. If anything she's even more spooked by it now.

SIR FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL

Hola Amigos, I know it's been a while since I rapped at ya, but things have been kinda crazy around here.

First off, I figured that if we were going to the Rock of Bral sometime soon I'd better load up on lumber. There are barely any trees on Bral, and it's illegal to cut those down, so they're always hurting for lumber. Plus, we'd need some to repair The Far Seer. I hired a small crew of 5 and got ready to set off into the woods to gather raw materials. This didn't turn out as easy as I had planned. Riaa is split up into parcels of land owned by various royal families, merchants, and knights. In order to cut trees I'd need to pay fees and get permission from the owner. Even that turned out to be a pain! Luckily, I'm just swimming in gold these days, so I found a nice little remote section of forest with a stream and a mill and bought it directly from the prince's estate. The land is too far from any of their building projects, and hasn't been in use for almost a generation. They were pretty happy to sell it.

OK now here's the cool part. Purchasing land from the prince allows me to be knighted. How cool is that? It's not official yet, but soon I'll be SIR FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL!

Still no word on the mysterious star gem. The mages say it's a holy artifact and that it's a magical power source of some sort, but it has so far been unindentifiable. They better not charge me full price!
So here's what I did. I took a digital picture of the gem and posted it on alt.relic.unknown let's see who figures it out first, the mages or the netizens.

The other good news is about the piracy charges. My jurist told me the charges have all been dropped and I'm free to leave the planet at will. He wanted to countersue on some grounds or another, but I told him to cease and desist. FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL is not here to file a bunch of grievances and hassle the government, he's here to save the day and sell goods at reasonable prices!

Red tape and red dress

Where I come from handing a magic item to a mage and getting his or her considered opinion on the item's powers is a simple enough task. Sometimes you hand over some gold to cover costs and expenses. Sometimes you wait around a while as the mage conducts an arcane ritual. Soon enough you have your answers and you can go about your business. This is not how it works on Riaa.

First I had to deal with proof of ownership. The bureaucrats here insisted on all sorts of documentation of purchase or ownership trails, which I for obvious reasons did not have. Luckily, there is a special allowance for items with no previous registered ownership. The star gem fell under this provision, and is now, as far a the government here on Riaa is concerned, property of FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL.

Next I had to submit the task of identifying, categorizing, and evaluating the gem's magical properties to bidding by the various local guilds and freelance wizards.

Finally I had to fill out an interminable number of forms. This is not the sort of thing FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL wants to spend his afternoon doing, but it's done now. Hopefully the mages can get me some useful information soon.

On a lighter note, Veronica found the most delightful little common dress. It's quite practical, made of durable cloth and leather, and she says it's a little easier to move around in than the bland and bulky tunic outfit she'd been wearing. It's certainly much more attractive. The dress is red, pink, and black. Red and pink aren't really Veronica's favorite colors, so I secretly asked the tailor to create two more similar dresses, one in blue and one in green. I also asked him to create a pair of knee length pants to match my Chainmail of Subtlety, which looks like a dashing pirate shirt by way of illusion.

Making the grade

I was reading this article about rating magical artifacts. (They also rate character classes - Ranger isn't listed, but would surely get at least an A-) I figured it would be fun to give my magic items some grades. Here goes.

Justice Bringer
This Greatsword is 7 feet long and really sharp. It's my primary tool for battling evil and does a really top notch job. Ghosts and other non-corporeal type baddies beware! Justice Bringer can slice you to ribbons just as easily as it cuts an ordinary thug.
These things would clearly give any weapon a solid A rating, but Justice Bringer has even more. It once said "Bring me Justice", which is a pretty cool thing for a sword to do, and thanks to my grand wizard pal, Ezekiel Moonstartulip, it looks like it's constantly on fire! Know what else? It fits in a magical one foot long sheath for easy storage.
A+

Ring of Animal Friends
To tell you the truth I'm on pretty good terms with most animals anyways, so I don't really need a magic ring to help me out. The ring is made of wood and it's a little too tight if you ask me. I don't really like to wear it much. This is a good one to leave at home.
D

Gloves of Chimes and Miracles
Nothing makes a story more dramatic than mood music and sound effects. Since you can't always have a bard around these gloves are the next best thing. With a few waves of your hand appropriate sound is issued forth much to the delight of all. True, it's best to take these gloves off if you're sneaking around or your presence will be given away by subtle sneaking music or cartoonish footstep noises. These gloves won't help you fight evil, but they're still quite cool.
A-

Indestructible Mirror Quarter
How do you break and indestructible mirror? Simple. Use the back of a hatchet. Ever since we defeated that mirror I have carried around this perfectly indestructible quarter mirror. You'd be amazed how useful and indestructible object is. Additionally you can use it against Medusa or other gorgons, for peeking around corners, signaling travelers, and even to see what you are doing when shaving your beard. The only downside is a big triangle is not the most convenient thing to carry around. The corners are really pointy too. I've jabbed myself with 'em more than once.
B

More magical item ratings later.