Who is Fritzholm Hammermill?

Adventuring tips

2005-07-29T13:37:00.000-04:00

Gamespy has some adventuring tips for the not-so-bright. Be sure to check out the flow chart on page 2.

Magic Bed

2005-07-14T12:18:00.000-04:00

Johan, one of Luther's cleric pals, was telling me that back home he has a magic bed. He's only gotta sleep 1 hour a night and it feels like he slept the whole night, and if he sleeps all night it heals him. Isn't that cool? The answer is YES! I like my big comfy double here on The Royal Flush, but a magic bed would be so sweet. I could spend those extra hours studying spells or something. I'm putting a magic bed on my list of stuff to get for sure.

I'll try to keep this short

2005-07-13T13:26:00.000-04:00

It all started nearly a week ago when I nabbed the Arch-Count's right hand man, Wexler. Using a human sized black sack, some rope, and a club I was able to get the information I needed out of Wexler.

Arch-Count Hans had zapped Luther's pals off to some kind of Limbo plane with a magical rod. He wanted the sapphire, which is some kind of Left Eye of Fharlanghn. Hans and his boys searched The Far Seer after it crashed, but couldn't find the gem, so they zapped themselves to Limbo to search the clerics, but they didn't have it either.

Anyhow, Wexler told me where to find the Limbo zapping rod and the next day I walked right in the front door of Hans' estate and borrowed the wand. Yeah it was that easy! Invisibility comes in really handy sometimes.

This Limbo place was incredibly boring. It felt like I was there a month looking for the clerics, but I guess it was only a few days. When I brought them back only 4 days had passed back on Bral. Oh, and sometime while I was in Limbo the invisibility wore off, so everyone can see FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL now. TA DA!

I let Wexler go and I even left the Limbo rod with the authorities so Hans could pick it up. Aren't I a nice guy? The Clerics, Luther, Veronica, and I got a ride back to The Royal Flush and now we're on our way to Riaa. I'll bet the mages still haven't figured out what the gem does, which is fine with me. The clerics spent at least 3 hours this morning talking my ear off about its powers and I didn't understand half of it.

Heard but not seen

2005-07-07T16:56:00.000-04:00

Being invisible is neat and all, but it's cramping my style too. Everywhere I go I have to stifle my urge to announce that FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL has arrived. I can't tell anyone about my adventures, accomplishments, and deeds or my cover would be blown. Luckily I can still carouse at the pub and dance with Veronica. It looks strange, like she's dancing with some pretend guy, but during the night I made it very clear to the ale soaked patrons that I was there and very real.

A bard by the name of Wells told me a cautionary tale about a mage who turned himself invisible and couldn't undo it. He soon turned to a life of theft, went insane, and ended up murdering some people. Wells looked very pointedly at where he figured I was (but he was really looking just to the side of me) at the end of the story. It was a good enough story, but if he only knew I was FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL he would realize that I'm of much stronger moral convictions than insane mages who can't undo their own spells. Nothing to worry about.

I had no trouble selling the lumber for a handsome profit. I could tell that the merchant I sold it to recognized my voice, so I asked him to keep my presence here hush-hush. I'm pretty sure I can trust him. He's a good guy.

I found out a bunch of stuff about Arch-Count Hans too. Get this... The guy rides around on Bral on a horse everywhere he goes! Why's that strange? Bral isn't exactly the biggest place. You can walk everywhere. Not Hans, no he's a rider. Anyhow, I got a real good description of him and I found out that he's staying at one of the Prince's guest estates. He's got decent security at the estate and when he travels. Word on the street is that the Arch-Count is big into dimensional/planar travel - gates, portals, demons... that sort of thing. Additionally it might be a little tricky politically if the prince finds out I'm harassing one of his royal guests. Oh well, risk is part of the thrill, right?

Setting foot on The Rock - almost

2005-07-05T11:09:00.000-04:00

We got to The Rock of Bral today. We couldn't very well just swing into the spaceport and dock. Word of The Royal Flush's arrival would spread like wildfire (just a tip - don't use that phrase on Bral. They really hate fires) and the Arch-Count Hans Ferdinand would know that FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL was on the scene. I'd never track the guy down then, which was the whole point of this trip. No no, much as I hate to admit it, some element of Stealth would be required.

So I chose to land at a small asteroid near Bral instead. A gun dealer named Kenarska has an outpost there. (the laws against firearms on Bral are rather oppressive) Kenarska owed me a favor so he agreed to shuttle us and our cargo down to Bral. Veronica hates guns, which I think is a little strange for an archer, and doesn't much care for Kenarska either. Luther doesn't seem to care one way or another.

Oh, did I mention I'm still invisible? That unnerved Kenarska at first, but I think it'll came in handy when dealing with Arch-Count Hans. I've been practicing my spooky ghost sounding voice and making creepy spectral creeks and moans with the Gloves of Chimes and Miracles. I'm not sure if it's scary, but it's a lot of fun.

What would you do if you were invisible?

alt.relic.unknown results

2005-07-02T15:30:00.000-04:00

The netizens have spoken. Here are some of their suggestions of what the gem we found might be. Mind you that these were certainly not merely taken from pages 155-164 of the first edition Dungeon Masters Guide.

The Crystal of Inestimable Beauty - Said to be the finest star sapphire to ever be mined from the ice mountains of Cannes-Deigh. No one has yet been able to estimate it's beauty, but its powers have been guessed at. They could include ESP 40', Levitatation 3 times per day, and the ability to summon ice elementals and ice weasels. The user of this crystal might grow 1/16 of an inch taller each time they use its powers. Then again... who knows.

The Mad Bling of Al'Akbar - Pried from the Pimp Cup of Al'Akbar this gemizzle brings madness to all who be havin' it. It perpetrates Polymorph self and others once a day. However, all effected must assume the same forms. It can resurrect oldschool homies who have been dead over 10 years. The Mad Bling can cause Planar Shift 3 times a week. It also allows the user to call forth a meteor swarm one per day. Face it, this object is the shiznit!

Gem of the Great Serpent - This gem allows you to control one adult dragon (children under 175 years must be accompanied by an adult). The weilder of this gem can also cure disease at a touch and transmute rock to mud. However this gem ages all elves and gnomes within 50' by 20 years. Sucks to be them.

Jewel of Gygax - Removed from The Ring of Gygax by a jeweler of totally alien origin, each facet of this gem has a different effect, only a few of which are known. These power include color spray, stone to flesh, phantasmal killer, 9 die lightning bolt, and web. The down side? There is a 10% chance the users hair will turn white or go blind for 2d6 weeks.

The Sapphire of the Infinite Planes - It the distant past the High Wizard Priest of Wor (now sunken beneath the waters At Eiry) discovered this sapphire and used its powers to dominate an infinite number of mazes and arenas. This blue pixel allows the user to summon Burwors, Garwors, Thorwors and the mighty Worluk. The Sapphire also creates up to 6 gallons of water per day and can charm animals 30'.

The Left Nut of Vecna - Seldom is the name of the arch-lich Vecna spoken except in hushed tones, but rumors say he would have given his left nut for everlasting immorality. Even though the gods were pretty sure it was a typo they granted him his wish. Now the family jewel brings only woe to the accused holders of the nut. All saves are at -2. Holy water with 15' becomes polluted. User loses 4 point of wisdom permanently and becomes a mindless zombie guardian of this cruel artifact.

Look at me - I'm invisible!

2005-06-24T16:02:00.000-04:00

Veronica is creeped out by The Wand of Wonder, which I had the mages charge up before we left Riaa. All I have to do is point it in her direction and she'll run off to the other side of The Royal Flush. Now I would never try to claim that The Wand of Wonder is safe or harmless, but I do firmly believe that you should do something completely unpredictable once in a while just to see what happens, so in order to demonstrate this principle to her I turned the wand on myself.

*POOF*

I completely disappeared. No one can see FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL at all now, not even me! when I pick stuff up it disappears too. This is kind of fun. I wonder how long it'll last. One note: This hasn't calmed Veronica's nerves on the subject of The Wand of Wonder at all. If anything she's even more spooked by it now.

SIR FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL

2005-06-23T14:31:00.000-04:00

Hola Amigos, I know it's been a while since I rapped at ya, but things have been kinda crazy around here.

First off, I figured that if we were going to the Rock of Bral sometime soon I'd better load up on lumber. There are barely any trees on Bral, and it's illegal to cut those down, so they're always hurting for lumber. Plus, we'd need some to repair The Far Seer. I hired a small crew of 5 and got ready to set off into the woods to gather raw materials. This didn't turn out as easy as I had planned. Riaa is split up into parcels of land owned by various royal families, merchants, and knights. In order to cut trees I'd need to pay fees and get permission from the owner. Even that turned out to be a pain! Luckily, I'm just swimming in gold these days, so I found a nice little remote section of forest with a stream and a mill and bought it directly from the prince's estate. The land is too far from any of their building projects, and hasn't been in use for almost a generation. They were pretty happy to sell it.

OK now here's the cool part. Purchasing land from the prince allows me to be knighted. How cool is that? It's not official yet, but soon I'll be SIR FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL!

Still no word on the mysterious star gem. The mages say it's a holy artifact and that it's a magical power source of some sort, but it has so far been unindentifiable. They better not charge me full price!
So here's what I did. I took a digital picture of the gem and posted it on alt.relic.unknown let's see who figures it out first, the mages or the netizens.

The other good news is about the piracy charges. My jurist told me the charges have all been dropped and I'm free to leave the planet at will. He wanted to countersue on some grounds or another, but I told him to cease and desist. FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL is not here to file a bunch of grievances and hassle the government, he's here to save the day and sell goods at reasonable prices!

Red tape and red dress

2005-06-16T16:39:00.000-04:00

Where I come from handing a magic item to a mage and getting his or her considered opinion on the item's powers is a simple enough task. Sometimes you hand over some gold to cover costs and expenses. Sometimes you wait around a while as the mage conducts an arcane ritual. Soon enough you have your answers and you can go about your business. This is not how it works on Riaa.

First I had to deal with proof of ownership. The bureaucrats here insisted on all sorts of documentation of purchase or ownership trails, which I for obvious reasons did not have. Luckily, there is a special allowance for items with no previous registered ownership. The star gem fell under this provision, and is now, as far a the government here on Riaa is concerned, property of FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL.

Next I had to submit the task of identifying, categorizing, and evaluating the gem's magical properties to bidding by the various local guilds and freelance wizards.

Finally I had to fill out an interminable number of forms. This is not the sort of thing FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL wants to spend his afternoon doing, but it's done now. Hopefully the mages can get me some useful information soon.

On a lighter note, Veronica found the most delightful little common dress. It's quite practical, made of durable cloth and leather, and she says it's a little easier to move around in than the bland and bulky tunic outfit she'd been wearing. It's certainly much more attractive. The dress is red, pink, and black. Red and pink aren't really Veronica's favorite colors, so I secretly asked the tailor to create two more similar dresses, one in blue and one in green. I also asked him to create a pair of knee length pants to match my Chainmail of Subtlety, which looks like a dashing pirate shirt by way of illusion.

Making the grade

2005-06-15T15:00:00.000-04:00

I was reading this article about rating magical artifacts. (They also rate character classes - Ranger isn't listed, but would surely get at least an A-) I figured it would be fun to give my magic items some grades. Here goes.

Justice Bringer
This Greatsword is 7 feet long and really sharp. It's my primary tool for battling evil and does a really top notch job. Ghosts and other non-corporeal type baddies beware! Justice Bringer can slice you to ribbons just as easily as it cuts an ordinary thug.
These things would clearly give any weapon a solid A rating, but Justice Bringer has even more. It once said "Bring me Justice", which is a pretty cool thing for a sword to do, and thanks to my grand wizard pal, Ezekiel Moonstartulip, it looks like it's constantly on fire! Know what else? It fits in a magical one foot long sheath for easy storage.
A+

Ring of Animal Friends
To tell you the truth I'm on pretty good terms with most animals anyways, so I don't really need a magic ring to help me out. The ring is made of wood and it's a little too tight if you ask me. I don't really like to wear it much. This is a good one to leave at home.
D

Gloves of Chimes and Miracles
Nothing makes a story more dramatic than mood music and sound effects. Since you can't always have a bard around these gloves are the next best thing. With a few waves of your hand appropriate sound is issued forth much to the delight of all. True, it's best to take these gloves off if you're sneaking around or your presence will be given away by subtle sneaking music or cartoonish footstep noises. These gloves won't help you fight evil, but they're still quite cool.
A-

Indestructible Mirror Quarter
How do you break and indestructible mirror? Simple. Use the back of a hatchet. Ever since we defeated that mirror I have carried around this perfectly indestructible quarter mirror. You'd be amazed how useful and indestructible object is. Additionally you can use it against Medusa or other gorgons, for peeking around corners, signaling travelers, and even to see what you are doing when shaving your beard. The only downside is a big triangle is not the most convenient thing to carry around. The corners are really pointy too. I've jabbed myself with 'em more than once.
B

More magical item ratings later.

The plot of Arch-Count Hans

2005-06-14T10:35:00.000-04:00

So, yesterday we were back at the mountain survey sight on Riaa. I buried one of the corsairs who had died trying to board our ship. The other 7 were our prisoners. While I'd like nothing better than to march these pirates in to the local authorities I have to accept the fact that doing so would raise some question about our activities. After all, why were we attacked by space pirates if we hadn't left the planet? So instead of turning them in I cut a deal with Murdoc, one of the more reasonable corsairs. In exchanged for the promise to let him and his compatriots go free out here in the mountains he agreed to spill the beans.

Evidently, he and his fellow corsairs had been hired by a wealthy cavalier on Bral, who went by the name of Arch-Count Hans Ferdinand, to patrol the space around Riaa and Excel CR. (clearly the lesser Redmond demons had gotten to these men) Just a few hours before our battle the corsair captain had received an Instant Message ordering him to attack The Royal Flush on sight, disable the ship, and tow it back to the rendez-vous spot near Bral. Little did they know FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL was on board! Which is inexcusable if you ask me. I mean, a little Googling would have told them that they were no match for The Royal Flush, and saved them a lot of trouble.

True to my word, I let the corsairs go. They were glad to be free, but still quite surly. Murdoc cheered them up by suggesting that they do some Geocaching. After all there were two boxes right up here in the mountains!

Next stop for me? The mage guilds of Riaa to get this gem checked out.

Corsairs!

2005-06-13T16:46:00.000-04:00

Just when we were in sight of Riaa a corsair swooped down on The Royal Flush and 9, no I guess it was 8 corsairs swung from their ship onto our deck. With Luther manning the helm, and Veronica caught by surprise it was up to FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL to repel this attack. I was SO READY for this fight that it felt like I sprung into action even before the pirates feet had hit the deck. That was probably because I did. Thanks to the Boots of Speed I'm a regular blur of frenetic motion in a scrap like this.
First I let loose a volley with the Wand of Wonder upon the corsair (the ship, not the pirates) causing two rabid dire weasels and a very pleasant bowl of petunias to appear out of thin air. "That ought to keep them busy for a while" I said about the rabid dire weasels, and not of the petunias. Next I chopped a corsair (the pirate, not the ship) twice with the mighty Justice Bringer before his aforementioned foot hit the deck.
These corsairs were clearly not expecting someone of FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL's caliber. They seemed confused, off balance, and even a little scared as they fought me. They dropped one-by-one and even two-by-two to the blade and occasionally to the gun. Veronica chipped in with a quick volley as I finished off our boarders. I ran over and turned the ballista on the corsair. A couple of shots from this serious weapon along with Veronica's persistent stream of well placed arrows were enough to convince the remaining crew upon the corsair that retreat was in order.
"Follow them, Luther!" I shouted into the comm device.
The magic of the boots was wearing off, but my adrenaline was still pumping. Unfortunately the corsair was much faster than The Royal Flush and they made good on their get-away.

The day had gone to the forces of Good, and the battle was surely a tonic for my soul. Here's how I figure it went for the bad guys...

"Captain, we've finally slain the second rabid dire weasel."
"Curse that FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL!"
"Yes, we did lose quite a few men, but look on the bright side, sir... Petunias!"
"Arrrrrrrrrr!"

Return of the lesser demons

2005-06-08T12:46:00.000-04:00

The Redmond demons made another appearance just before we left the planetoid.

"This planetoid will be referred to henceforth and hereafter as 'Excel CR'. Any reference to the aforementioned as 'Planetoid Excelsior' shall be null and void. That is all."

Sure enough, that was all. They disappeared as abruptly as they had popped up. It does disturb me a bit to see them again. I think they are trying to keep tabs on FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL. It'll be pretty hard to shake them as long as I'm publishing a BLOG too.

Spell checking

2005-06-07T14:14:00.000-04:00

Every time I spell check a BLOG entry the spell checker suggests that I replace FRITZHOLM with PRETZELS, so now I really want some pretzels. It's driving me up a wall. They better have some pretzels back on Riaa 'cause I've built up a powerful craving for them.

Magical Mystery Gem

2005-06-07T10:47:00.000-04:00

"Whoa! Check this thing out! What is it?" I asked.

Well clearly, it was some kind of blue gem. I'll call it a star sapphire, but that's a bit misleading. The gem actually had 6 long points like spikes. Even with the spikes I can nearly close my hand around the gem. Still, it's huge as gems go. If there's one thing FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL knows the value of it's gems, and this thing is worth a fortune on it's own, but it's also magical. I didn't just sense that either. You can see a hazy landscape by peering into the gem, and I double checked it with detect magic. (It's strong!)

"I know not." answered Luther.

Let me tell you a little about Luther. This guy doesn't say much. I can't tell if he's the quiet type that does a lot of thinking or if he just keeps his mind uncluttered. He doesn't waste any energy. He just goes about his business, does his little rituals, and gets the job done. He's very efficient, but I don't think he has enough fun. I've tried to get him to lighten up, but that's just how he is.

Veronica swiped the gem right out of my hands.

"I think it's some kind of key. Let's take it back to Barretstown and let the mages have a look at it." she suggested after looking at it for a while.

It was a good idea, but it was a long trip back to Ginsel (that's the planet Barretstown is on), and Luther's pals might be in trouble. A quick trip back to Riaa would be better. There are plenty of mages there too. We could get some supplies to repair The Far Seer while we were at it.

We searched the ship some more. It looked to me like someone else had been here before us and taken all the stuff that might give us some clues like maps or the captain's journal. I looked for tracks in the area. Big surprise, no one ever wanders around this part of Planetoid Excelsior.

The mystery deepens

2005-06-06T14:39:00.000-04:00

We arrived at Planetoid Excelsior (which seems a grandiose name for what appears to be a crummy chunk of rock in space) and located The Far Seer, Luther's friends' ship. It's a Gull class ship which had clearly crash landed. Upon closer inspection I observed that there was no sign that anyone had been onboard during the crash. Something had happened to the crew before they got to Excelsior.
As Luther and I looked for further clues my magical senses detected something. Let me say, just between you and I, that FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL doesn't usually go around successfully sensing magical stuff unless it's glowing or floating or something like that, so I was pretty happy. The source of this magic seemed to be coming from a section of wall near the bulkhead. I suspected it was a non-dimensional storage space, because The Royal Flush has one of those and it's pretty cool. It's like a bag of holding except it's not a bag.
The first edition Dungeon Master's Guide has this to say about the bag of holding:

Bag of Holding: As with other magic bags, this one appears to be a common cloth sack of about 2' X 4' size. The bag of holding opens into a non-dimensional space, and it's inside is larger than its outside dimensions. Regardless of what is put into this item, the bag of holding always weighs the same amount...
... If overloaded, or sharp objects are placed within so to pierce it, the bag will rupture and be ruined, and the contents will be lost forever in the vortices of Nilspace.

Justice Bringer's sheath is the same way. Isn't non-dimensional space great?

It didn't take long for me to find the storage area behind a sliding panel. I reached in and pulled out... TO BE CONTINUED

A smooth departure

2005-06-02T14:16:00.000-04:00

OK, our thrilling and dangerous escape didn't turn out as thrilling and dangerous as I thought it would. My plan had been along the lines of bonking the Portmaster on the head, stuffing him in a bag, and then taking off while interceptor ships chased FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL to the stars, but Veronica came up with a better idea.
We hired some surveyors to check out a remote mountain plot. Naturally, we flew them out there in The Royal Flush and, in a week or two, when the survey is done we'll come back. What the authorities don't know is we'll be taking a little off-world trip while this is going on. Nice plan, Veronica!

Everything seems to have gone pretty smoothly. Luther has the course plotted (no Mapquest this time, thanks) and we're cruising along. It should take about 3 days to get there. Adventure is so close I can almost taste it. However, what's even closer is a lemon pie, which I can totally taste. Delicious!

We're on it!

2005-06-01T11:32:00.000-04:00

Not much time to talk.

Luther has a hot lead on adventure. One of his fellow priests' ships has gone missing on a nearby planetoid. FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL to the rescue! The only problem? Remember how they told me not to leave the planet? Yeah, we're leaving anyhow. This might be an interesting spaceport escape. Wish me luck.

Four unrelated things

2005-05-26T14:28:00.000-04:00

I got word from my jurist about the piracy charges. He E-mailed the mages back in Barretstown where I bought the chest of property rights. They've officially confirmed the sale and now the rest of the case is just paperwork and formality. It's good to see that justice will prevail.

Going to the see the castle yesterday gave me an idea. I'll bet kids would like wooden blocks they could build their own mini castles out of. I'll have to talk to some woodworkers I know to see if they could pump out a large number of these castle blocks.

Still no adventure today. I've been practicing fastdrawing Justice Bringer so I'll be ready when the moment strikes. Normally it's basically impossible to draw a greatsword quickly, but Princess Tara, who is an enchanter as well as enchanting, created a magical scabbard for me. It's only about a foot long, but I can cram the whole sword in there. How's that for cool? She's the best.

For some reason it's irking me that the name FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL appears around the middle of people's buddy list. Maybe I should change my online name to @FRITZHOLM @HAMMERMILL so I'd get top billing for sure. What do you guys think?

Castle - Under Construction

2005-05-25T14:03:00.000-04:00

I took the morning off from selling goods today. Veronica and I bought horses and rode to the hillside where they're building a castle. Now this is no ordinary castle where someone like FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL might live some day. It's HUGE! There are two big outer walls, inner walls, towers, complexes of buildings, drawbridges, spacious fields, gallows, cisterns, an armory... all sorts of stuff and it's not even half built yet. The place is literally fit for a king. You see, Prince Galwick is 3 years old, which is about how long they've been building this castle. When he's old enough he'll be king, but even before then he'll have one really great castle. Maybe I'll come back and see if I can get a tour when it's done.

It was fun watching the stone masons, timber cutters, smiths, etc out there doing their thing, but it wasn't very adventurous. The whole experience was good, but left me oddly empty. I hope something nefarious happens soon, so I can spring into action. I'm really ready.

The Bard's Tale

2005-05-24T13:39:00.000-04:00

These musical instruments are selling like hotcakes (Mmmmmmm... hotcakes). Riaa is just crawling with bards. It's a talented and interesting bunch, that's for sure. The ladies here are really cute too. If it wasn't for the oppressive government I'd really love this place.

Anyhow, I was talking to this one bard and he told me quite a tale. He's from the town of Skara Brae. There's a big bad wizard by the name of Mangar the Dark there, who cast the countryside into eternal winter, which is really bad for growing crops. The bard gathered up a party of friends and they set about to defeat Mangar and put things right. It was a long story, but in short they pounded a bunch of monsters in a wine cellar, some catacombs, Harkyn's Castle, Kylearan's Tower, and finally Mangar's very own Tower.

It was an epic tale indeed, and it made me miss adventuring. I talked to Veronica and she's up for adventuring if we get the chance. Now all we need is some evil-doer in a tower or something.

Welcome to Riaa. Go directly to jail.

2005-05-20T12:38:00.000-04:00

Why didn't I post a BLOG entry yesterday? Because I was in jail, that's why! When we finally arrived at the docks on Riaa the authorities promptly accused me of piracy, searched our cargo and seized the chest of intellectual property rights. FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL a pirate?!? Nothing could be further from the truth. I've spent many a year battling pirates. I told them to Google my name and read about all of my heroic anti-piracy antics, but they were having none of it.

It's a real shame I can't seem to get the hang of the knock spell. The look on those constables' faces would've been priceless as I strolled out of the jail a few minutes after they locked me in there. Honestly, I probably could have bent-bars-and-lifted-gates my way out of there, but that would have unnecessary destruction of property. Instead I had Luther go hire me a good jurist, and waited it out. It wasn't so bad really. I was only in there overnight and the riff-raff didn't give me any guff 'cause they could see I'd probably pound the whole lot of them without breaking a sweat. One guy in there had even heard of me. He heard that FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL was such a good tracker that he could follow a trail of salt through the desert. While that's not technically true, I said it was and let him go on believing it.

Anyhow, I was released today. They said I couldn't leave the planet yet, but that's OK. I'm planning on sticking around for a while to sell these goods. That's was the whole point of this trip.

Isn't Abe cute?

2005-05-18T10:44:00.000-04:00

I've noticed that all the magi post pictures of their familiars, so here's my fuzzy banana-eating pal, Abe.

Isn't he cute?

Veronica and Luther think Abe might be evil just because he's a monkey-demon instead of 100% monkey like most other monkeys. Well I checked the Wikipedia and it doesn't say a single thing about familiars being evil. In fact, Abe is very helpful in my various battles against evil. He watches my back and keeps tabs on potential troublemakers for me. He's a great climber. He even helps me learn new spells. Really my only complaint is his occasional shit-flinging and his unnatural obsession with a certain crummy E-mail program.

Sooooo bored

2005-05-16T14:28:00.000-04:00

We've been traveling through space for about a week now and NOTHING has happened. We haven't been attacked by a haunted ship of skeletal pirates, or a magic devouring space squid, or a sloop of bipedal carnivorous rodents. There have been no shipwrecked travelers to rescue, or enigmatic interstellar spatial anomalies to investigate, or cryptic messages to unravel. Well OK, I've gotten plenty of garbled text messages, but that's hardly adventure. The talents of FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL are absolutely going to waste here. I hope we get to Riaa soon.

Oh, about that... We probably should be there already, but the directions we got from Mapquest were all wrong. Luther figured out what went wrong and I'm sure we're back on track now. He's good like that.

I'm going to go up to the deck and pose defiantly for a while. Surely fate will see that FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL can not be ignored for long and throw something epic my way. Either that or maybe Veronica will dig how majestic I look. That'd be fine too.

Forgot password

2005-05-13T11:47:00.000-04:00

Oh man! I must've changed my E-mail password last night after drinking. I totally can't remember what I changed it to. I've tried everything. It might be a few days before I can get in, so if you send an E-mail to FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL and don't get a reply you'll know why.

Peahc Schnapps

2005-05-13T03:57:00.000-04:00

gUess what!? Veronnica likes peach snchapps as much as FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL! Whoooo whoooo! We just finsh ed off whole cask of it. She's passd out in the cargo hold and I'm going to bed soon. Luther doest drink tho. GOODNIGHT.

One bar - if I'm lucky

2005-05-12T12:16:00.000-04:00

My highspeed internet is working fine out here in deep space, but I'm getting crappy cell phone reception. I'm serious, I can not get any signal at all most of the time and when I can it's lousy. My SMS is all screwed up too. It's garbled up with random junk like so:

CIT#µ@DER ^77XqK PLE$&©∫,}LP

What is that? Ancient Ogrish? How am I supposed to reply to that? FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL has many talents, but mind reader and garbage decoder are not two of them. Can't they put towers on some of these comets I'm constant dodging out here? What good are unlimited galaxy-wide minutes if I can't use them?

So, if I haven't hollered at you lately, now you know why.

Arrows in space

2005-05-11T15:24:00.000-04:00

Veronica was shooting arrows off the deck of The Royal Flush out into space. I suggested putting notes on them sort of like a message in a bottle. It's pretty fun. We both fired messages out into space until we ran low on arrows. My favorite message so far is

This arrow courtesy of FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL!

I picture it shooting through the phlogiston until it happens across a ship by chance. This ship will be under the control of a vile pirate captain who will, much to his surprise, take an arrow square in the chest. The shocked, but amused onlookers will read the note and know that FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL has struck another blow for freedom from across the cosmos.

If you have any special messages you'd like us to shoot into space for you, leave a comment. Keep in mind that we only have like 8 arrows left.

Giant found

2005-05-10T12:11:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Instant Messages from noted archeology expert lil_bonzi_090, I have been alerted to the follow discovery

Recent alchemical reagent exploration activity in the south east region of the Qhan desert uncovered a skeletal remains of a human of phenomenal size. This region of the Qhan desert is called the Empty Quarter, or in Arabic, 'Rab-Ul-Khalee'. The discovery was made by the Jawa Alchemists Exploration team...

To this I say "You found a giant skeleton? So what?" FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL has practically littered the countryside with the corpses of various evil-doing giants during his travels. My only concern is that they make sure no necromancers get their hands on this skeleton.

The Royal Flush takes to the skies

2005-05-08T03:23:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven't posted for a few days, but I've been really busy getting a quick space voyage together.

I managed to get my hands on 100 bolts of this incredible, unrippable fabric. Not only is this stuff durable (they say it'll last for 95 years - 20 years longer than the last batch), but it also has beautiful patterns on it that I doubt anyone could copy. I also purchased 20 crates of finely crafted musical instruments to fill the cargo hold a little past half. The last of the cargo is a chest fully of something the mages call "Intellectual Property Rights". I have no idea what that is, but it sounds important. It doesn't take up much space and I'm getting paid a fortune to deliver it.
Overall, the trip looks very profitable. I've never been to Planet Riaa before, but it's not far away, and I've got some real good Mapquest directions. We take off tomorrow morning.

Oh! I almost forgot to tell you the good news. I convinced Veronica to join us (me and my pilot, Luther) on the trip. She has never crewed a spaceship before, but she's very bright and I'm sure I can teach her the basics. Besides, Luther can practically fly the ship by himself if need be. It's only when FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL is at the helm of The Royal Flush that things get a little dicey. Then I can use a few crew members helping out.

Gobbling Gyros

2005-05-04T13:09:00.000-04:00

Man these gyros are good! These are the best thing I've eaten since Mustafa Morimoto was the cook on The Royal Flush. They're some kind of lamb and onions and sauce on a thin bread. I've had 6 already and I'm gonna eat another one right now.

Why I hate Lizardmen

2005-05-03T17:36:00.000-04:00

I met a girl I like at the pub today. Her name is Veronica and she was one of the Baron's archers for a year. She recognized FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL both by name and appearance (yeah, the little flaming stones orbiting around me is a bit of a dead give-away). We sort of hit it off. I think I might be able to convince her to travel with me on the Royal Flush's next cargo run.

I've had pretty outstanding luck with the ladies for such an average looking guy. Well let me restate that - I've had good luck at first, but it never seems to work out in the long run. They always end up in an arranged royal marriage or mysteriously disappear or something.

The saddest example was poor Elise. She was a sweet young clerk at The Guild of Sound and Fire Mages' library. Many years ago we fell in love and were making plans to get married when a lizardman shaman turned her into a ribbon. I slayed him and his compatriots, which in retrospect might have been a hasty thing to do. Instead I should have forced the shaman to turn her back to normal first, but what's done is done, so I set out in search of a wizard to unbind the curse. The Sound and Fire Mages pointed me off to a tower in the Marble Hills. I took my Elise ribbon to the tower (nothing good ever seems to happen in towers) and found the elderly owner, a sage of great knowledge and power. He told me to leave the ribbon and he would surely discover how to reverse the spell. When I returned in one month he could not even recall seeing me before. Worse yet, he'd lost the ribbon! The daft old bat's mind was crumbling like 100 year-old bread. I searched that tower top to bottom and bottom to top a dozen times (even though he kept calling me Leroy and teleporting me away). There was no sign of the ribbon in the nearby hills or villages either. Eventually, I had to wipe up my tears and admit I might never see my Elise again.

The ribbon is about 1 1/2 feet long and a bluish-violet in color. If someone stumbles across it, please E-mail me, subject: FOUND ELISE! I'll really owe you one.

Was it a dream or real?

2005-05-02T14:12:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty sure this really happened, but you never know.

I woke up just before sunrise this morning to find 2 lesser demons at the foot of my bed. As I rolled over and pulled Justice Bringer from under the bed they informed me that they were messengers from the sixth circle of Redmond.
"Are you FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL?" asked one of the demons.
"Open source is inherently unreliable and insecure." said the other.
It was hard to see in the near total darkness, but their eyes gave off an erie four color glow. I poked the first one between the eyes with the tip of my blade just to see what would happen. It yelped in shock and leapt backwards, passing through the wall with ethereal ease.
"Trust the Giant!" babbled the remaining demon before disappearing in a cloud of wispy smoke.

Man that was wierd. I can't have demons just popping up like that. I'm going to go see a mage about putting a fire enchantment on my walls to keep those guys out.

No such thing as a million!

2005-04-29T13:59:00.000-04:00

I recent received an anonymous comment from someone claiming to be HIGH VIZIER DIKEMBE MUTUMBO. Below is a snippet with which I take issue:

I HAVE THEREFORE, BEEN DELEGATED AS A MATTER OF TRUST BY MY COLLEAGUES OF THE PANEL TO LOOK FOR AN OVERSEAS PARTNER INTO WHOSE COFFERS WE WOULD TRANSFER THE SUM OF 21,320,000.00(TWENTY ONE MILLION, THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY THOUSAND GOLD RUPEES).

Now I'm sure we've all heard the word "million" tossed around. Some braggart at the bar will claim to have a million experience points, someone else will mention in passing that they sold a magic gem for a million gold pieces, and an E-mail attachment will pass itself as having a million bytes (whatever those are) of data. Well I'm here to tell you it's all bunk. There's no such thing as a million! That's right, there's not a million of anything. There's not a million grains of sand in the desert. There aren't a million drops of water in the sea. There aren't a million stars in the sky. It's all just totally made up. Have you ever counted to a million? No you haven't. Face it - you haven't counted to 105 (which does exist), nevermind a million.

So take this bit of advice from FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL. If anyone starts talking about a million of something just turn around and walk away because they have no idea what they are saying.

Wanna buy a Dire Bear carcass?

2005-04-28T10:49:00.000-04:00

The Baron's Pikemen showed up late last night, so we set out at the crack of dawn (actually the pre-crack) to track down the Dire Bear. It's really not that hard to track down a gruesome 1 ton killing machine. I have to admit I'm a little rusty, so it's good to have a nice trail of destruction to follow. The Pikemen proved to be acceptably competent. When we located the beast the Man-Dire Bear battle raged on for quite a while. To make a long story short, I found myself standing triumphantly upon the corpse of the monster. It was a magestic sight indeed and it's a real shame that none of the Baron's Pikemen moonlighted as an artist. FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL Defeats the Dire Bear would have made a fine painting for anyone to hang over the fireplace, or perhaps in their dinning hall. I supposed I could recreate the pose upon a small hill or something, and describe the rest of the scene. I'll see what the local artists think of that idea.

Anyhow, the countryside is safe once again.

Does anyone think I could sell a Dire Bear carcass on eBay?

Boots of Escaping

2005-04-27T16:01:00.000-04:00

I think this guy wants to be like FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL.

His first problem is he's arguing with the forces of good and justice instead of heroically assisting them. His second problem is his armor appears to be completely ineffective. I suggest full gothic plate made out of *metal*, not cloth and plastic. His third problem is his magical items, such as the mysterious Boots of Escaping, failed him. Finally, his biggest problem is he's a total dweeb.

What I like about you

2005-04-27T12:47:00.000-04:00

Here's what Thes Hunter (not The Shunter) has to say about FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL:

" I like the fact that you can fall out of space and still survive."

" I also like the fact that you can eat 30 pancakes. =]"

Two fine observations! Go check out her blog (by clicking on her name above). It doesn't talk much about monster slaying and princess saving, but she's studying to be a healer so lets cut her some slack (in exchange for a few potions, hopefully).

Quiet Weekend

2005-04-25T16:10:00.000-04:00

This weekend while I was watching out for the Dire Bear I helped the farmers download and install Firefox, AdAware, and Spybot Search and Destroy. Their computer runs a little better now. Does anyone know of a free antivirus program?

The Dire Bear didn't come back yet, but I read on the newsgroups that it has caused a lot of trouble recently and killed close to a dozen people in the past month. I've sent word to the garrison that I'll need about six trained men to assist in defeating this menace. Tracking a Dire Bear down should be pretty easy for the likes of FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL.

Night of the Dire Bear

2005-04-23T01:50:00.000-04:00

I got woken up in the middle of the night tonight when a kid from one of the nearby farms came running into the village yelling about a Dire Bear. He was all panicked, so I tossed on my magical chain mail shirt, grabbed my weapons and followed him back to the farm. I figured the kid was pretty young, maybe 6 or 7 years old, and he's never seen a big bear before. Chasing off a large brown bear or grizzly would be a piece of cake. When we got to the farm there's this huge mound of muscle and fur (It had horns too!) ripping chunks of meat off a cow carcass. You gotta be kidding me! It must have been 18 feet tall! I didn't have to tell the kid twice to go find someplace to hide. I went bounding over there, drew Justice Bringer, and activated the boots of speed. I beat the thing up pretty good, but after a while the boots conked out and I was starting to lose the fight. Since I didn't want to end up Dire Bear food, I cast Expeditious Retreat and beat feet outta there. The creature chased me for a while, but no one catches FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL while he's all hopped up on speed magic.
After I lost the bear I waded through a stream for a while so it couldn't just sniff me down and I circled back to the farm. I sucked down a couple of healing potions. I sure go through a lot of those. I guess I should stick around here for a while in case the beast comes back.

The computer on this farm is totally lame. I can't check my E-mail or chat with anybody. It's slow too - even slower than 56K! I'm lucky I can even update my blog from here. *sigh*

What D&D character are you?

2005-04-22T11:56:00.000-04:00

I've been told that all good bloggers post links to web quizes, so here's one I found:

What D&D character are you? (opens new window)

It said I, FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL, was a Chaotic Good Human Barbarian, which is pretty close overall. It got my alignment and race correct. My actual class is Ranger 6, Wizard 2, Blogger 1. That's pretty close to Barbarian if you ask me. Web quizes sure are wise. Here are a couple of comments on the quiz questions:

11. Forced into combat, what would be your First, Second and Last choice of weapon?
First - Sword (Justice Bringer - two handed)
Second - Sword (magic longsword)
Last - Warbow
Really the bow is more a third weapon than a last weapon. Some of the other weapons I typically carry include a shortsword, silver fighting knife, main gauche, hatchet, and a black powder pistol.

16. Which of the following would you MOST and LEAST like to have as a pet or companion?
Why isn't "Monkey" on this list? Abe is an excellent familiar! He's like a little mischevious person and he can climb up anything like nobody's business. I ended up picking Tiger. Walking around with a Tiger would immediately tell people that FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL was not someone to be messed with. I should look into getting one.

Hobgoblins!

2005-04-21T10:45:00.000-04:00

As I was out on patrol this morning I got ambushed by about a dozen hobgoblins. Their tactics were pretty good, but they hadn't expected the skill and might of FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL! The survivors will surely know better next time. Hopefully they'll spread the word. As for me, I'm cut up something awful. Oh sure it's nothing too serious, but I'm taking the rest of the day off and I'll swing by the temple later for some healing.

Hey, have you ever noticed there are never any hobgoblins in chat rooms? It's all humans. Don't you find that a little strange? I mean, I like humans and all, but where are the dwarves or glac elves or gnomes? You'd think gnomes would be pretty net-savvy. Maybe they work behind the scenes. I'll have to ask around.

Hello World

2005-04-20T13:39:00.000-04:00

Captain Fritzholm Hammermill here. First entry:

Never let it be said that I could not adapt. I've seen many changes in my life. I've gone from wandering in the woods with my sister, to protecting the land from evil, to sailing the high seas, to traversing strange alternate dimensions, to jamming from world to world abord the Royal Flush righting wrongs and selling fine goods along the way. Yet this is my largest leap to date - into cyberspace. Let's just hope I can get some hard earned fame and respect here so the name of FRITZHOLM HAMMERMILL can live on indefinately.